Episode 19: "Love's Labours"
Previously on "The Salingers":
KIRSTEN
I think we should see a marriage
counselor.
CHARLIE
I don't see how a complete stranger who
knows nothing about us is going to solve
our problems. That's something we have
to figure out on our own.
KIRSTEN
Well, that's not working, is it?
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
JULIA
(to Charlie)
Weird, huh? How a person can try to make
things work out a certain way, and for
whatever reason they just don't. Then
something you totally think won't work
just might.
(Charlie glances back to the
picture of Kirsten.)
That probably sounds stupid, huh?
CHARLIE
No. Actually, it doesn't.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
WILL
I've been killing myself trying to find
the perfect Valentine's present for Jean,
right?
(re: hotel)
Well, here it is. So what do you think?
BAILEY
It's... it's perfect, is what it is.
You've gotta let me crib this idea.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
BAILEY
(to Maria)
So I'm thinking - Cole's gonna be out of
town, so maybe you should pack some stuff
so we can - you know - hang out.
MARIA
I kind of... have a date tonight.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
HOTEL CLERK
(to Bailey)
I'm sorry, but we have a twenty-four hour
cancellation policy.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
BAILEY'S SUITE at the OMNI HOTEL. BAILEY sits up in the bed,
eating from a bag of potato chips. Pissed about it. Thirty
candles burn without purpose around him.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
JULIA
(to Griffin)
I don't want to be overly critical about
this story, but I'm just not impressed.
Should I be completely honest, or do I
sugarcoat it?
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
TANIA
(to Julia)
Julia, you get a paycheck every other
week because of your opinion. Don't
second-guess it. That's what I'm for.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
CLAUDIA
(to Tess)
But... don't you ever wonder if it's
worth it? I mean, we're at this school
where people do nothing but play music.
Or act or dance.
Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped. Like
I should be doing something more
important. Something that actually
matters in the real world.
TESS
You know what? Maybe you ought to figure
out if that's how you really feel.
'Cause if it is, I'm not sure what you're
doing here.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Claudia follows Heather out of the room and opens the front
door, where she sees Todd standing with flowers and a heart
shaped "Be Mine" balloon.
CLAUDIA
Todd!
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
CLAUDIA
You know what I think about sometime? I
think... if it weren't for the violin,
we'd be together every day. Ironic,
isn't it? The thing that brought us
together's keeping us apart now.
TODD
Close your eyes.
CLAUDIA
What?
TODD
Come on. Close 'em.
Claudia obliges, smiling. TODD (CONT'D)
I love you, Claudia, and I know this is
kind of out of the blue, but... Will you
marry me?
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
FADE IN: INT. UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA - CORRIDOR - DAY BAILEY stands in the hall, waiting for someone. He spots
MARIA leaving her class and catches up to her.
BAILEY
Hey.
MARIA
(surprised)
Bailey. Hey.
BAILEY
Did you get my messages?
MARIA
Your...? Oh. Yeah.
(smiling nervously)
Sorry. I've spent like every waking
moment of the last week with George
Eliot.
BAILEY
George...? Who's he?
MARIA
She. She wrote Middlemarch.
BAILEY
Oh.
MARIA
Piece of advice - never procrastinate
reading a twelve-hundred page novel.
BAILEY
I'll, uh, remember that.
They smile, walking on. A awkward beat. BAILEY (CONT'D)
So... you never told me how it went.
MARIA
How what went?
BAILEY
Your date with what's-his-name. Linus.
MARIA
It's Lucas.
BAILEY
Whatever. So... how was it?
MARIA
It was okay, I guess.
BAILEY
Just okay?
MARIA
You said "just." I didn't. Anyway, it
was a date.
BAILEY
But... you don't sound all that hyped
about it.
(Maria shrugs)
So, you, um... you think you're gonna see
him again?
MARIA
I don't know. I mean, he's nice, but...
(shakes her head)
...not my type, I guess.
BAILEY
Cool.
(off her look)
I mean... it's cool that you know what
you want.
MARIA
(not buying it)
Uh-huh.
CUT TO: PO5 Credits INT. CHARLIE'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY CHARLIE and KIRSTEN are sitting at the kitchen table,
drinking coffee.
CHARLIE
How about his eating habits? Have they
changed?
KIRSTEN
(sighing)
He's as picky as ever.
CHARLIE
That's not what I meant. Owen used to
eat only certain colored foods when
something changed. Like when Bay went to
college.
KIRSTEN
Huh. I think I remember that.
CHARLIE
Or when Jul moved out after she got
married, he only ate white food.
(thinks for a moment)
What did he eat for breakfast?
KIRSTEN
Eggs.
CHARLIE
Well, there goes that theory.
Charlie is about to take a sip of his coffee, but stops. CHARLIE (CONT'D)
Wait... were they scrambled, or fried?
CUT TO: EXT. NEW YORK STREET - NEWSPAPER STAND - DAY SARAH thumbs through a YM magazine as CLAUDIA walks up. CLAUDIA
Let me guess... 100 ways to turn on a boy
band member?
SARAH
Not quite. Albert said I'm supposed to
be in here...
(flips page)
...somewhere.
CLAUDIA
Wow, really?
She looks over Sarah's shoulder. SARAH
Yeah, it was kind of a last minute thing.
He said the client was in a bind --
needed a girl with an "everyday" look
for...
She turns the page, and the expressions on their faces turn
to horror.
SARAH (CONT'D)
(quietly)
Oh my God.
(almost screaming)
Oh my God!
CLAUDIA
(reading)
"You don't have to suffer from..."
SARAH
"...yeast infection"?!
The humiliation is too much. Claudia tries to think of
something comforting. All she manages is...
CLAUDIA
Oh my God.
CUT TO: INT. JULIA'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - DAY GRIFFIN is sitting at the dining room table, reading
Parenting magazine while JULIA puts a tray of cookie dough in
the oven. Griffin swipes a finger into the bowl of dough and
takes a taste. Julia misses the whole thing.
JULIA
(turning)
Oh, hey. Sarah sent me an email - she's
going to be able to make our 5-year
reunion next week. Okay if she rides
with us?
(she scoops out more cookie
dough onto a new tray)
GRIFFIN
(chewing, still reading)
You mean ride with you.
JULIA
Huh?
GRIFFIN
(looks up)
She'll have to ride with you. I'm not
going.
Surprise! This is news to Julia. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
(looking at the magazine)
Huh. Did you know they're making diapers
with Velcro now?
CUT TO: INT. NEW WORLD COFFEE SHOP - NEW YORK - DAY CLAUDIA and SARAH sit at a table near the window. Sarah
leans forward, her face buried in her hands.
SARAH
God, I can't get it out of my head.
CLAUDIA
Sarah, come on. How many people do you
know that actually read YM?
SARAH
(frantic, looking up)
It doesn't matter. I'm gonna be like...
like that girl in the Doritos
commercials. No one knows her name -
she's just the "Doritos girl." Only
I'm going to be the "Yeast-Be-Gone girl"!
Her head sinks again. It's too humiliating. Claudia stirs
her coffee.
CLAUDIA
I'll bet I can tell you something that
will make you smile.
SARAH
(head still in hands)
Thanks for trying, Claud.
(looks up)
But the only thing you can say that will
make me feel better is that you're gonna
buy every copy of YM, build a bonfire,
and torch 'em. So if that's not what
you're gonna say, you might as well--
CLAUDIA
I'm getting married.
Claudia smiles as Sarah takes a moment to process this. SARAH
You're...? D-did you say...?
CLAUDIA
Uh-huh.
Claudia holds up her hand, displaying her ring. Sarah's
floored.
SARAH
You, um... wow.
CLAUDIA
We haven't decided if we're going to wait
'till we're done with school or do it
over the summer, but... wild, huh?
SARAH
You, um... wow.
CLAUDIA
You said that already.
SARAH
I'm sorry. I mean, it's great, Claud.
It really is. It's just...
(cautiously)
How does your family feel about this?
CLAUDIA
Sarah, why would you...?
(adamant)
It doesn't matter how they feel. It's
not their decision to make. So if they
don't like the idea, well, they can just--
SARAH
You haven't told them, have you?
CLAUDIA
(slumping)
No.
CUT TO: EXT. CHARLIE'S HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY CHARLIE watches OWEN from a distance. Owen is sitting on the
swing, a collection of rocks next to him and a colored marker
in his hand.
As Charlie approaches, he notices the rocks have been colored
to look like insects.
CHARLIE
Hey. Whatcha doin' there?
OWEN
Nothin'.
Charlie sits next to Owen. He picks up a rock colored like a
bumblebee.
CHARLIE
Pretty cool.
Owen continues drawing on another rock. CHARLIE (CONT'D)
Kirsten said you got an B plus on your
spelling test.
(smiling)
Congratulations, buddy. Good job.
OWEN
Yeah.
CHARLIE
So I was thinking... maybe we ought to
pick up that new game you wanted. The
dinosaurs-in-outer-space one. Kind of a
reward.
OWEN
(shrugs)
Okay.
Charlie sighs, looks down. He's gonna have to work for this
one.
CHARLIE
Owen, I, um... well, I know I haven't
been around much lately, but even I
noticed you've been... well, distracted.
And I know you don't want to talk about
it, but... I think maybe we should.
Owen looks down, wanting no part of this. CHARLIE (CONT'D)
I know there's a lot of stuff going on
right now that's making you have these...
feelings. And I haven't exactly been
here all the time to help you sort them
out. But you know what? I think I kind
of get it. Because I might be feeling a
little bit of those same things too.
See, when me and Kirsten--
OWEN
You don't know how it feels.
Owen turns his back to Charlie, crossing his arms. CHARLIE
(slowly)
Okay...well, maybe you can talk to me
about it.
OWEN
(after a pause)
Nobody ever wants me. Because I'm not
really anybody's. And I'll never be
anybody's.
CHARLIE
Owen, why...? Of course we want you.
Why would you say that?
OWEN
Because I'm not your son. I'm not
anybody's son. That's why it's so easy
for people to leave me. 'Cause I'm just
this stupid kid everyone always has to
figure out what to do with.
Whoa. Owen kind of has a point, doesn't he? Charlie's
stunned. Has no idea what to say next. This is one for the
experts.
CUT TO: INT. JULIA'S APARTMENT - DINING ROOM - DAY The newspaper's open in front of GRIFFIN. JULIA sits next to
him, a blank look on her face.
GRIFFIN
Says we're gonna get some nice weather
this weekend.
(no response)
Daphne's got Matthew so maybe we can take
my bike up to Napa, huh? Check out some
of the--
JULIA
Yeah, yeah, that sounds... whatever,
um... I can't believe you're not gonna
go.
GRIFFIN
Huh? What do you mean?
JULIA
The reunion.
GRIFFIN
(shrugging)
Oh, that. Simple. I'm not.
JULIA
But... c'mon. Don't you wanna see
everyone? Find out what they've been
doing all these years? It'll be fun.
GRIFFIN
Yeah, maybe for you. But think about it,
Jul - I'll have to explain to everyone
why I dropped out, and what's going on
now and blah blah blah. Uh-uh. No way.
JULIA
Griffin--
GRIFFIN
Besides, I didn't like all those people
then, so why would I wanna see them now?
If I wanted to keep in touch, I would
have, right?
JULIA
(sighing)
If you say so. But I wish you would
come. You are my other half, you know.
Griffin looks at her. A light bulb goes off. GRIFFIN
Is, uh... is Justin gonna be there?
CUT TO: EXT. UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA - COFFEE STAND - DAY BAILEY waits in line, getting pissed as he listens to the GUY
in front of him mulling over his order. The GIRL working the
stand chews her gum like a cow with a cud.
GUY
(to worker)
What's the difference between French
Roast and French Vanilla?
GIRL
Taste. So what'll it be?
GUY
Is that an attitude I'm sensing?
(girl rolls her eyes)
Because you're not the only coffee stand
on campus, you know. I could very easily
bring my business elsewhere...
Like she cares. The ranting continues as Bailey looks away,
shaking his head. He spots something: Maria through a cafe
window.
And a guy. They're sitting at a booth... next to each other. Sipping
coffee. Laughing. Smiling. Bailey can only imagine what
about. He says something to her and her look softens. They
kiss, Bailey's gaze locked on them.
GUY (CONT'D)
... I'll let it go this time. But if it
happens again...
(walks away)
Bailey's stare is still fixed on the window. GIRL
Next.
(a beat)
Next!
Bailey snaps out of it. GIRL (CONT'D)
(impatiently)
What'll it be?
CUT TO: INT. CLAUDIA'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT CLAUDIA sits on her bed, the phone to her ear. CLAUDIA
(on phone)
Look, the age argument sounds pretty
hypocritical coming from you, so--
JULIA
(on phone)
Claudia, listen. Please. Do you know
how many problems me and Griffin would
have avoided if we just waited?
CLAUDIA
Waited for what?
JULIA
The right time. 'Till we were a little
older... and we knew what we really
wanted out of life... from each other
even.
CLAUDIA
Maybe that was just you, Jul. Did you
ever think maybe we figured that out
already?
JULIA
All I'm saying is, I don't want you to
make the same mistake I did.
CLAUDIA
You know what? People told you it was a
mistake, too. But you didn't listen to
them.
JULIA
Claud--
CLAUDIA
No! Nothing anyone said made you change
your mind. So what makes you think
anything you say will change mine?
DISSOLVE TO: Claudia sits on her floor, her head in her hands, still
talking on the phone.
BAILEY
(on phone)
For God's sake, Claud - you guys are
still in school!
CLAUDIA
Give it a rest, Bay. I've already heard
it from Julia.
BAILEY
So she...? Okay, that's two of us.
C'mon, Claud, doesn't that tell you
something?
CLAUDIA
God, is it so hard for you guys just to
be happy for me? I thought I'd at least
get a "congratulations."
BAILEY
It's not the first thing that springs to
mind when...
(sighs)
I mean, you guys have only seen each
other - what? - a month out of the whole
year?
CLAUDIA
That is so not-- We spent the whole
summer together.
BAILEY
Fine. Three months. Whatever. But you
jump from the casual-dating-long-distance
friends thing to this?
DISSOLVE TO: Claudia's now pacing, holding the phone. CLAUDIA
I don't care what you're saying! It
isn't your choice.
CHARLIE
(on phone)
God, listen to you! There's no way you
can actually think this is the right
thing to do.
CLAUDIA
And you're an expert in relationships,
right, Charlie?
CHARLIE
I know enough to see you're making a huge
mistake here. I mean, God - you're
eighteen years old, Claud. You're barely
old enough to vote!
CLAUDIA
(voice trembling)
Yeah, well... some thing aren't up for a
vote anyway.
Claudia hangs up, tosses the receiver on the bed. She covers
her mouth, fighting to hold back her tears.
DISSOLVE TO: INT. FELICIA LOMBARD'S OFFICE - DAY CHARLIE and KIRSTEN are seated next to each other on a large
plush couch, across from FELICIA LOMBARD, the marriage
counselor.
KIRSTEN
...We struggled so much to even be able
to have a family of our own, and for a
long time I was really caught up in all
that -- having a baby, being a mom. And
then Stewie was sick and that took a lot
of our energy.
Charlie shifts a bit, trying to relax. KIRSTEN (CONT'D)
But after he got better, I thought things
would be different. That we'd spend
time together... as a family. But when
it didn't happen...
(looking at Charlie)
...when night after night something would
come up and you couldn't come home...
FELICIA
Go on, Kirsten.
KIRSTEN
It happened before. We were both working
a lot, and we promised we wouldn't let it
happen again. But somehow... it did.
CHARLIE
(to Kirsten)
But we talked about it. You knew it was
only temporary, until I could get someone
to manage the restaurant. It was just
taking some time.
FELICIA
So you did talk about this?
KIRSTEN
Yes. But it seemed like all we did was
talk. Because... nothing changed.
Time just kept passing and I kept waiting
for us to be able to start acting like a
real family, but...
Kirsten looks down as Felicia scribbles in her notebook.
Charlie leans back and takes a deep breath.
CUT TO: INT. BAILEY'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT BAILEY sits up in his bed, reading a textbook. Trying to
read, actually. His gaze wanders from the book. He
straightens up, tries to refocus. But it's no use.
He gets up, grabs a jacket. Heads out the door... CUT TO: EXT. MARIA'S DORM - NIGHT ...and walks up to Maria's doorstep, now holding two cups of
coffee. He manages to knock without spilling. MARIA
answers.
MARIA
Bailey. Hey--
He pushes past her, heading toward the living room. Sets
down the cups.
MARIA
(confused)
Uh... come on in.
(a beat)
What's this?
BAILEY
Coffee.
(sarcastically)
Or... I'm sorry. Maybe coffee "isn't
your type"?
MARIA
My... what? Bailey, what are you--?
BAILEY
So you're saying you do like coffee?
MARIA
It's okay.
BAILEY
Okay? Okay?!
Maria stands frozen, a pillar of confusion. BAILEY (CONT'D)
Didn't look like you thought it was
"okay" today. Looked more like you
freakin' loved it today!
MARIA
This isn't about coffee, is it?
BAILEY
I saw you guys - at the student union.
MARIA
Oh.
BAILEY
Oh is right. Why did you lie to me?
MARIA
I didn't lie to you.
BAILEY
Oh, I get it. You just make a habit of
kissing guys who aren't your type, right?
MARIA
(pointedly)
Apparently so.
Point taken. A beat. Then Bailey's tone softens. BAILEY
Look, I... I just don't get why you
didn't tell me.
MARIA
Tell you what, Bailey? That I've seen
the guy a couple times? So what. It's
not like we're going to pick out china or
anything.
BAILEY
But... you kissed him.
MARIA
Yeah. I did.
BAILEY
So why would you do that if--?
MARIA
You know what? I don't need to explain
myself. You of all people should know a
kiss isn't binding.
Bailey stands speechless. Another point taken. Maria opens
the door. A hint.
MARIA (CONT'D)
Now if you don't mind...
A beat. Bailey heads for the door. BAILEY
(walking out)
I'll, uh... leave the coffee. In case
you decide you want it.
On that, he's gone. Maria closes the door behind him, trying
to figure out what just happened.
CUT TO: INT. SALINGERS' - NIGHT CHARLIE walks behind the bar, looking for something. The
restaurant is empty, save for a couple of booths by the
window. JOE joins Charlie behind the bar.
JOE
Well, if it's not the prodigal owner.
CHARLIE
(smiling)
Hey, Joe.
JOE
Haven't seen you around here much lately.
CHARLIE
(looking over the restaurant)
Looks like I'm not the only one who's
been staying away. Has it been this bad
all week?
JOE
Pretty much. Don't know why. People
seem to like the new menu. But it's been
mostly our regulars lately.
CHARLIE
Hmmm... guess we'll have to find a way to
bring in new customers, huh?
JOE
'Fraid so. They can't like a new menu
until they come in to try it.
CHARLIE
Well, I guess you and Kendall will have
to think of something.
(smiles, pats Joe on the back)
I have faith.
Charlie walks to the back of the restaurant, leaving Joe
alone at the bar. He looks over the empty tables.
CUT TO: INT. JULIA'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT JULIA is sitting cross-legged on the couch. She is on the
phone.
JULIA
So, are you gonna be able to make it?
JUSTIN
Naw, can't. I've got finals that week.
Besides, I'm not exactly dying to tell
everyone I've on the five-year degree
plan, you know?
JULIA
Great. That's all my fault. If I hadn't
-
JUSTIN
(smiling)
Hey, no sweat. I never liked Yale
anyway. Besides, Georgetown's got a
better basketball team, right?
JULIA
(smiling)
You're great, Justin. Did you know that?
JUSTIN
Yeah. You remind me every few years or
so.
Julia laughs, twirling the phone cord. JULIA
So, any plans for after graduation?
JUSTIN
I don't know yet. I figure I'll just
come home for a while and weigh out my
options. I've got some ideas, but... I
don't know. Definitely don't want to
stay here.
JULIA
Yeah, I know what you mean. I really got
homesick.
(a beat)
You won't believe this, but I, um... I
applied to Stanford again.
Justin laughs. Not the reaction Julia was looking for. JULIA (CONT'D)
Justin, that's... What's so funny?
JUSTIN
You won't believe this, but so did I.
JULIA
What?
JUSTIN
If I don't find the right job, I'm
thinking of falling back on graduate
studies.
JULIA
Oh.
A beat as Julia ponders this. JUSTIN
Hello?
CUT TO: INT. CLAUDIA'S DORM - NIGHT CLAUDIA enters the dorm, where a party is in full rage.
Music blaring, couples making out, spilled bottles of
everything imaginable.
None of this is lost on Claudia, who walks over to the couch.
TINA is making out with some GUY in a way that would make the
French proud.
CLAUDIA
(yelling over the music)
Tina!
(no response)
Tina!!!
Tina comes up for air. Irritated doesn't even come close. TINA
I'm a little busy here, Claudia.
CLAUDIA
Who do you think you are, inviting these
people over here? Other people live
here, too!
TINA
Yeah, and most of 'em are enjoying
themselves.
Tina nods toward HEATHER, who's passed out on the kitchen
counter. And VALERIE, who's dancing up a storm with a couple
of GUYS.
TINA (CONT'D)
So either loosen up... or shut up.
Tina re-engages in her French lessons as Claudia stomps off
toward her bedroom, avoiding food and bottles and people on
floor along the way. She opens her door to darkness and is
shocked to hear...
GUY (O.S.)
Oh. Oh, yeah. That's it!
GIRL (O.S.)
Mmmm...
(sensing Claudia)
Hey, is someone here?
GUY
(to Claudia)
Hey, how about a little privacy?!
Claudia shuts her door quickly. The shocked look on her face
holds for a moment, but quickly gives way to one of anger as
she opens her door and enters the room, her hand covering her
eyes.
GUY (O.S.)
Hey!
CLAUDIA
(still covering her eyes)
Oh, shut up. This is my room!
Claudia blindly feels her way to her dresser, grabs an armful
of clothes, and gets the hell out.
GIRL (O.S.)
(to guy)
I thought you said this was your room?
CUT TO: INT. FELICIA LOMBARD'S OFFICE - DAY CHARLIE and KIRSTEN are back in FELICIA's office, sitting on
the couch again. Kirsten is sitting upright, looking stiff
and uncomfortable.
FELICIA
I'd like to talk a little more about the
concerns Kirsten brought up last time.
Charlie, you've agreed that you were
working round the clock... that you
weren't able to spend much time with
Kirsten and Stewie, correct?
CHARLIE
Right. But like I said, that was only
temporary while I was trying to find
someone to run the restaurant for me.
FELICIA
Okay. But, do you think there was
anything else you could have done to
spend more time with your family?
Anything at all?
CHARLIE
No, I don't.
FELICIA
So, no one else could have possibly
helped you at either the factory, or the
restaurant to free up some of your time?
CHARLIE
(irritated)
No. There was no one else. If there
was, don't you think I would have jumped
on that?
FELICIA
(softly)
Is it hard for you to let people help
you, Charlie?
CHARLIE
What? No, it's not. Look, I don't know
where you're going with this, but--
FELICIA
I know how hard it is sometimes to let
people help you when you're used to a lot
of responsibility. That's all.
Charlie smiles in disbelief. A beat, as he gathers his
thoughts.
CHARLIE
It's not hard for me to let people help.
It's hard for me to find people who can
help.
Felicia jots some notes as Charlie steams. Kirsten looks at
the rug... probably wanting to crawl under it.
CUT TO: INT. SARAH'S APARTMENT - ENTRY WAY - NIGHT SARAH puts on a robe as she approaches her door. SARAH
Just a minute...
She looks through the peephole, then opens the door,
surprised to see...
SARAH (CONT'D)
Claudia. Hey. Come in.
She does... carrying an armful of clothes. Sarah notices
this.
CLAUDIA
If you don't want to... or if it's an
inconvenience, please, just say so, okay?
Because the last thing I want to do is--
SARAH
Claud, slow down. What are you talking
about?
(concern growing)
Is everything okay? Are you--?
CLAUDIA
I'm fine. It's just... I kind of...
moved out.
FADE TO BLACK. Read and post messages about tonight's episode...
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